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I have used this message as a way to clear my mind and make it up as to what I am going to do with my life. It has set me straight on what I need to do and I have set my mind to it. I have tried so hard to live as a man and I have found it impossible. I was not born to be a man and I am going to make sure that the future does not hold that prospect for me. I had received the majority of Steve Mitchell?s possessions after I originally left the hospital and while going through them one day, I found a hidden compartment in one of his cases that contained a pistol that was loaded. My last attempt to kill myself did not go over well because I took a woman?s way out without pain by taking sleeping pills. Up until now, I have been afraid to use it and now the fear is gone. This time I have to do it the man?s way and end it with violence. Let this be my last words while I say that I am sorry that I have to do this. Good bye to my family and I am sorry for thepain I am going to cause. ''Well it is less fun just talking on the phone but at least this is better than nothing, just hearing your voice is a big tonic, ' she said.'Since you've got a free Friday night what have you got planned, a quiet night in talking to a friend by phone or are you meeting up with your friends and going out somewhere?''A bit of both actually, I am talking to a friend right now, he is also my boyfriend, my savior, my lover and my husband, and he just needs get old enough for us to make if public. Love you.'She continued, 'anyway, I am just waiting for the others to arrive, when I told Becky I would not be going out tonight she called the others so that I would not be left alone, they still worry about me.''They are true friends, just don't spend too much time talking about me, I don't want to spend our next meeting trying to live up to four beautiful lovers expectations when I was not even there, ' he laughed.'You goofball, of course we will talk about you, all night probably. Four girls.
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