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’ My heart splinters. I see them together. I watch how he watches her. I watch how he sees the dress in the store, and he thinks of her wearing it. I watch as he pays for the dress, flirting with the clerk, talking to her about who the woman is that he buys the dress for. My imagination is left without an answer for how she receives the dress. Only that it is received after a week that I spend with him, giving him all there is of me to give. I give my soul, my life, and my wealth and receive mysteries. Over and over again it keeps coming back to the mysteries. No one has ever given me a dress. I have never received a gift of shoes. No one has ever given me little nothings. My heart shatters with this thought. I saw a sea turtle on a sweatshirt of child of four yesterday, and I loved its design and how it moves on the child. I make eye contact with men wherever I go. I listened to a man talk for two hours today of his wife, who over two years has bought over 20,000 dollars worth of. So it was very emotional for me.As a man I had always been into physical fitness. But I mostly focussedon weightlifting to build muscle mass, increase my strength, and extendmy endurance. Now a new thought popped into my head. "I need to takegood care of my whole body so that I'll be able to safely carry a childand nurture it." Well, maybe the thought wasn't quite that explicit, butit amounted to the same. I started doing yoga and aerobics classes andI've been using the stationary bike a lot when I'm traveling. That wassomething new that I hadn't expected.I also started to appreciate motherhood a lot more than I ever had. Orat least it caused me to start thinking a lot more about it. I have anew-found attraction to babies and children that I never had before.When I see a cute baby I just want to reach out and touch it and cuddle.I think maybe I'm developing a motherly instinct that I certainly neverhad as a man.Of course the normal irritations, fatigue, cramps, and mood.
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