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Not a single curl of her golden pubic hair was visible. The metal continued to her backside, and small locks dangled at each hip. ‘In days of old, when knights were bold,’ Jacqueline said from somewhere beyond Constance’s line of sight, ‘and they’d go off on Crusade to the Holy Land, they’d leave their wives locked up in devices such as that. Chastity belts, they were called.’ ‘What have you done to me?’ Constance asked, sitting up. The girdle dug into her flesh, constricted her movements. She tugged at it but the locks held fast. Running her hands over it, she discovered that there were openings front and back, for purposes of elimination, but when she probed a finger into one of the holes, she yanked it back with a pained cry. The edges of the openings were points of sharp metal. ‘The holes are too small for even the tiniest of cocks,’ Jacqueline said, and sounded tremendously amused. ‘The serrated edges were to prevent frigging.’ Constance looked at her finger, which was beaded. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.9. Your junior prom offered day care.10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because.
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