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Hey don't forgetabout a purse. You need a military issue purse."Nina watched as I transferred everything from my civilian purse to theissued one. My regular ID card slipped out and fell onto the table. Andshe snatched it up. "Here you go Sweetie. You can't afford to haveanyone see that god-awful picture. Trudy you better get her over to theAG's office for a new one." She winked."So tell me why Staff Sergeant Hernandez was so helpful andunderstanding, why so accepting of me. She never once treated me likewas anything but another girl. And she had to know, I could tell by theway she kept looking at me and smiling." Stephanie, Nina had sex reassignment surgery about three years beforeshe joined the army. And no not even the army Doc's can tell thedifference." She confided in me, "Besides any real girl wouldn't haveheisted to strip down and get fitted for uniforms in front of othergirls." Are you kidding? Doctors can't tell the difference?" No they can't. the surgeon that did the work. No more wanting him late at night, and needing his love to be thrust gently inside me. No more thinking of our bodies intertwined beneath the sheets of my bed. No more thoughts of kisses and soft caresses pressed against my aching flesh. No more wishing for his hands to roam eagerly over every inch of me. No more fantasizing of pianos and a home filled with love, safety, warmth, and family. All of these are merely dreams that can never be and if I hold onto them then I will never know peace. We will never be together and I know that, with every bit of my being, I know it but God, how do you let it all go? Something so strong and sure? How do you implore your heart of hearts to see reason and allow yourself to heal? How do you tell it to speak with your head and actually listen? To understand that this pain, this appalling heartache, could and will happen again if I continue to do this to myself. I know my dream is a warning of what will, undoubtedly, come to pass for me and that it.
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